I’m not sure what to think.

i suppose everyone had something like this in their lives, this is still new to me never the less.

but to cut to the chase i lost a friend recently. because of a mistake i made with out thinking it. to be accurate right now im having mixed feelings about the situation as a whole. part of me misses her and other part of me thinks that this might be better. ill try to explain both parts in more extent.

i suppose why and how are too sensitive to explain in detail over here. so all i can basicly tell is how i feel now and how i feel about her now.

ive known her for close to three years now and past two years we were friends. being her friend wasnt allways easy mostly because of her fiery spirit. she has had her share of troubles and ive tried to help her over them as best i can quite often with cost of keeping my own troubles to my self. but the reasons why i miss her that is probably because ive been a friend with her for a long time.  i miss her passion on thing even thou it might seem and propably is sometimes more than little extreme. there was something delightful about seeing her rush toward something with little or big. with recklessness and passion to beat the problem no matter the odds against her. unfortunately i quess im the only one that sees her more friendly side but even that only shows when she’s not troubled or nothings wrong. which isnt all that often unfortunately. to think of it part of me might have loved her but im not so sure about that, if it was so i also know that no matter what i wouldve done or will do i cant have her  in any level. since even a friendship with her feels like a struggle i need to prove my self or do everything with extreme care. as one can imagine its very tiring after a while and my own problems piling up dont exactly help with that.  im not sure how to say this but i miss her and ive tried my best to help her and get her to be atleast little happier.

of course this has lead to me being constantly tired, apathetic, indifferent and something else im not sure about. i do love her in my own strange way that i propably wont be able to ever to tell her, since i know that she wont respond to it nor i can ever have her in that sense.

as a friend she was a good one thou not many might agree with that but i dont think i could really explain it all. mainly because of other see her crazy, hostile, manipulative and sometimes just plain evil.  i dont know maybe ive known her bit differently than most do.  but most i can tell about what caused the destruction of our friendship. i said something  that she didnt want others to know to a person that she was talking to whom thought it was somekind of joke and sent it to her and the end result was her anger hit me like a blastwave of a nuclear bomb. i was pissed to her because of that two days after that because i felt like she was pissed at me with out a proper reason. but now i sort of understand how she must have felt when that happened. thou i doupt ill ever be able to understand full extent of it but even a fraction of that is more than enaugh for me to lose sleep over this. as one could read from my previous blogs im not very socially adept person so that has caused me to have only few friends most of them long term ones but ive yet to lose a friend. right now only things i can focus on is distracting my self away from it, thinking it and how much it hurts. ive lost what little capability i had to work, to think, to function even normally. othar than distracting my self away from this.

now to the part that why i think this might be a good thing. i know this wont be anything well reasoned all i know i could just be deluding my self away from it. but as mentioned earlier being her friend is hard, not as in maybe few small things here and there. i mean serious things depression, misery, feeling of abandonment and way she’s hated.  ive tried to help her as best i could but i never really was good enaugh in that. so its propably better that she would find some better person that can take care of her better. than i ever could in the entire history of our friendship.

now heres the kicker for you unlike she believed that ive dont really have any emotions or any real emotional reactions toward anyone or anything. i do have the emitions but i keep the buried so far down that i dont have to deal with them because there are so many things in my past that i never really recovered from. so i put up a shell for myself and for the others. well this blog is about as honest i can get with out going into too much detail. but if she ever reads this i hope she will atleast forgive me my stupidity, arrogance and weakness. she doesnt need or have to be my friend, mate, or buddy ever again.

thats all for now.

Rantage, flaws , insecurities

please take this one as a random rant from an comptely insane person that has limited social skills at best.

OK i consider my self relatively intelligent individual, I’m sceptical, inquisitive, even thou ive been called nuts people usually tend to consider me smart. you could say I’m way too quiet for my own good although that comes from two variables in my head first why should i bother second i haven’t figured out why. every person has their insecurities about somethings well mine are more involved in the relationships i never been particularly into interpersonal relationships such as friendships, co-workers nor thing that could be called “romantic” relationship. recently I’ve been bugged with situations i wanted to do something like ask someone out to a coffee but that’s where the second variable kicks in and shuts me up before i can say anything. i know its not the self confidence i got more than enough to voice my opinions and ideas yet i cant seem to be able to talk to opposite sex out of my own volition at-least the kind i might be interested.
im 20 year old IT-student not particularly bad looking nor particularly good looking either but yet I’m on a level of an 6th grader when it comes to opposite sex and talking to them other than few passing words while you are doing something else, seriously how many people of my age have kissed, had sex, had at-least some form of relationship with an opposite sex beyond a friendship. hell even that friendship concept with an opposite sex is a bloody new concept to me. OK if you still didn’t get the clue of how approachable i am well imagine Dr. Gregory House, Data from star trek and Garret From the good old thief games and from that you can deduce that I’m not particularly people friendly, curious, sneaky and devious if necessary… OK now i sound like a bloody sociopath that would be how i come across after people get to know me i would be classified as a nice guy maybe little too nice for his own good.

so im a bloody geek while most people were indulging in fun of interpersonal relationships in their little own screwed up way. i was either studying or playing games on my PC. why I’m not a hermit yet? i like people even if i don’t seem like it i find them fascinating once i get to know one individual problem is i find people i consider difficult to read (being not particularly predictable in their reactions or ways they behave) which are usually odd ones out from their groups either by their thinking or by their behaviour im fascinated by those individuals.

people that have tendency to go along with the group and be quiet about their own opinions or thoughts about what they are doing i find persistently annoying or futile. since people that bother to think on their own instead of going along with the group i tend to find less annoying or pleasant even with their quirks. so the point im dragging my self toward to very avoidingly that I’m practically going to other way is and i think possibly could be distilled into few prompt and random questions. i know its bloody insane to ask advice from the Internet but i don’t really have friends that have good experiences about such matters.

how to approach a girl with out making yourself look like an complete idiot?

if she says yes or no what should i do then?

what would be appropriate for scenario that if she says yes. coffee or similar?

should i give her my email or phone number in the end of that coffee?

is there anything that might have missed?

as for the last words lets say i got no experience what so ever of that type of situations… also that im not really comfortable asking those from my family since i suspect they might be more than eager to help… OK that didnt make sense why i don’t want to ask my family about this let me simplify, my family doesn’t really know my taste and i doubt id enjoy blind dates of any kind which i suspect that my family might be more than eager to try and arrange.