I’m not sure what to think.

i suppose everyone had something like this in their lives, this is still new to me never the less.

but to cut to the chase i lost a friend recently. because of a mistake i made with out thinking it. to be accurate right now im having mixed feelings about the situation as a whole. part of me misses her and other part of me thinks that this might be better. ill try to explain both parts in more extent.

i suppose why and how are too sensitive to explain in detail over here. so all i can basicly tell is how i feel now and how i feel about her now.

ive known her for close to three years now and past two years we were friends. being her friend wasnt allways easy mostly because of her fiery spirit. she has had her share of troubles and ive tried to help her over them as best i can quite often with cost of keeping my own troubles to my self. but the reasons why i miss her that is probably because ive been a friend with her for a long time.  i miss her passion on thing even thou it might seem and propably is sometimes more than little extreme. there was something delightful about seeing her rush toward something with little or big. with recklessness and passion to beat the problem no matter the odds against her. unfortunately i quess im the only one that sees her more friendly side but even that only shows when she’s not troubled or nothings wrong. which isnt all that often unfortunately. to think of it part of me might have loved her but im not so sure about that, if it was so i also know that no matter what i wouldve done or will do i cant have her  in any level. since even a friendship with her feels like a struggle i need to prove my self or do everything with extreme care. as one can imagine its very tiring after a while and my own problems piling up dont exactly help with that.  im not sure how to say this but i miss her and ive tried my best to help her and get her to be atleast little happier.

of course this has lead to me being constantly tired, apathetic, indifferent and something else im not sure about. i do love her in my own strange way that i propably wont be able to ever to tell her, since i know that she wont respond to it nor i can ever have her in that sense.

as a friend she was a good one thou not many might agree with that but i dont think i could really explain it all. mainly because of other see her crazy, hostile, manipulative and sometimes just plain evil.  i dont know maybe ive known her bit differently than most do.  but most i can tell about what caused the destruction of our friendship. i said something  that she didnt want others to know to a person that she was talking to whom thought it was somekind of joke and sent it to her and the end result was her anger hit me like a blastwave of a nuclear bomb. i was pissed to her because of that two days after that because i felt like she was pissed at me with out a proper reason. but now i sort of understand how she must have felt when that happened. thou i doupt ill ever be able to understand full extent of it but even a fraction of that is more than enaugh for me to lose sleep over this. as one could read from my previous blogs im not very socially adept person so that has caused me to have only few friends most of them long term ones but ive yet to lose a friend. right now only things i can focus on is distracting my self away from it, thinking it and how much it hurts. ive lost what little capability i had to work, to think, to function even normally. othar than distracting my self away from this.

now to the part that why i think this might be a good thing. i know this wont be anything well reasoned all i know i could just be deluding my self away from it. but as mentioned earlier being her friend is hard, not as in maybe few small things here and there. i mean serious things depression, misery, feeling of abandonment and way she’s hated.  ive tried to help her as best i could but i never really was good enaugh in that. so its propably better that she would find some better person that can take care of her better. than i ever could in the entire history of our friendship.

now heres the kicker for you unlike she believed that ive dont really have any emotions or any real emotional reactions toward anyone or anything. i do have the emitions but i keep the buried so far down that i dont have to deal with them because there are so many things in my past that i never really recovered from. so i put up a shell for myself and for the others. well this blog is about as honest i can get with out going into too much detail. but if she ever reads this i hope she will atleast forgive me my stupidity, arrogance and weakness. she doesnt need or have to be my friend, mate, or buddy ever again.

thats all for now.

Rantage MK. II

beginning of a such a nice week turned into shit rather quickly with a lovely load of metaphorical steaming hot shit being dumbed in front of me. where to begin… i might as well start from monday.

Monday. (cursed be this awful day)

well everything starts as usual for every monday i have wake up early, i am suprised that my alarm clock has endured all these years of physical abuse which i smash every school day with a table shaking hit of a groggy fist and im not a morning person a pleasant one atleast. after noticin i forgot to buy bread on last couple of days my breakfest begins with rather audible “FUCK” since all i got in the fridge during that time is ketchup, mustard, some cooking oil, fifth of a cheese and half of a pack of margarin. so my days starts with only mug of instant cappucino after the cappucino is done i rapidly move in front of my computer turn it on, check the news RSS feeds and my email sit there drinking cappucino untill i consider my self awake enaugh. i get dressed pack my backbag and go to school 6 hours of mind numbing lectures later with two coffee breaks and a lunch behind me as im about to leave my teach asks me why i havent returned a report that was due last week. conversation went like this
teacher: could you come over here
me: yea sure what is it?
T: where is the report that was due week ago?
M: report? what report?
T: the report that your class was give assingment around late march?
M:… you mean when i wasnt in the class because i couldnt walk for a week? (that was because of busted ankle i had during that time)
T: *he checks the student list and notices i wasnt in that weeks class” seems like it.
M: i can try to do it for the next week
T: ok then im expecting it on my cubby end of the next week.

well to mention i wasnt happy about that little assingment being forgotten due to my classmates failing to tell me that we had to do it. especially since the teacher is so techonologically limited that he refuses to update his classes information which includes with every other teacher current assingments, due times and files that are meant to help with that subject or current assingment. so im stuck making the report which i got done on wednesday morning during a coffee break. (yes i have to work it in school during off hour and breaks because i cant access the school librarys ebook database from home) i got back home and again noticed that im missing the bread and everything else along with that i had recieved a bill from my ISP. well rest of the day went off rather comfortably so theres nothing to rant about it so ill move on to tuesday

Tuesday

i was supposed to go to Tax office in hour and half train ride away only because of arbitrary reason of me not being registered to my current munincipality that i live in, well i couldnt because today was physics laboratory and well the test equipment other things refused to function way they were meant to. so im bit cranky at that point since i had to spend two extra hours in there to getting everything right and douple checking it. so after i finally got back home all i felt like doing was collapse on my bed and work on some 3d model to unwind which wasnt really helped by my friends either distracting me or wanting me to join them to play some MMO game… i consider my self as a casual MMO player so i play when i feel like playing other wise it will feel like working rather than relaxing. well at this point of the week i realize that because im a student and dont really have much of an income my monthly money supply is running low and making it worse is that theres the upcoming May day holiday. so ill call my parents ask if they could sponsor me enaugh that i can last till friday they agreed.

Wednesday

well to begin this lovely day is my Mom calling way too early earlier than i usually wake up which is around 8 at wednesdays and she’s calling at 6. with only few hours of sleep behind me im bit antsy she tells me to come to wait at the parking lot since she’ll drop off some money for me as she’s going to work (not an office job nor any other stereo typical job… in that situation one of my thoughts were “does she have to be a construction worker?) well after getting the money i went back inside tried to sleep rest of the time and noticing i couldnt get any sleep. so i went ahead took a shower and made breakfest decided to play bit of The elder scrolls IV oblivion yea i know it sucks as an RPG that doesnt mean that its still a good game to kill time with. went to school experienced another series of mind numbing lectures. got back well today was with rather nice middle atleast untill the evening and following night. i managed to alienate one of my dearest friends with argument thats rudeness and inappropriate nature i managed completely fail to notice or comprehend… so now im screwed beyond belief since i didnt realize how badly i fucked up untill today. isit just me but i tend to suck with people badly… i imagine this screw up might have been avoided if i were better with people and social skills.

thursday

the may day well that day was ruined effectively by my realizing only the portion of how screwed i was not to mention being bored out of my mind because my friend wouldnt talk to me. well during that boredom i atleast got some work done.

Friday

thats today i finally got to tax office and figure things out in that regard. so today i wasnt in school because it was day off. so i spent most of today morning and afternoon in train or in the tax office, which isnt really something i enjoy due to excessive amount of people. i got back from there got my self bored again and well later this evening figured out the full extent of how screwed i am in the situation with that friend.

well thats it from the crappyness of this week.

Karma is a bitch and she hates me.

ok for start of i dont believe in karma but i do believe in murphys law. last three weeks could easily be classified in bad as hell category. two weeks ago i sprained my ankle relativily badly and got my ankle wrapped in support wrap that was meant to hold it still and i was on crutches for a week and well i quess my ankles ligaments got beaten up since it still cant completely tolerate sudden impacts with out sharp pain.

so this series if followed by a brief argument between my friends about most insignificant thing like graphics card drivers… well after a while of that they asked me and i felt like the question was like “so whos side are you going to pick?” which was a difficult choice to make. apparently mr. murphy has sense of duty after all since my net connection went down, that happens every once in a while because of bad wiring in the building i live usually it is annoying as hell but now the timing was more than convinient. so that allowed me to avoid the whole mess and let things cool down till the next day. well it eventually turned out that every one had just one crappy day and wound up taking it out on each other.

well after that was done the rest of the week worked out just fine till easter… which completely screwed me over financially since i wasnt able to get any money untill the next week and rest of my family was on a yearly vacation way up northern lappi… so i had to use some of my travel money for school to get food for the easter… yea i really suck that bad with holidays i can never remember them. so because of that i couldnt go to school via bus or train because of the lack of money on the first day after easter.

this was well if you count being late and other inconvinient things that happened was other wise fine… except the creeping feeling that i had in last december. loneliness i keep thinking about it more and more that i need someone to talk to other than my friends someone that actually understands state of my existance on more than one level… ok to simplify it… theres part of me that wants a girlfriend while the other part which is the majority doesnt know why, nor how to even to begin to start that task? that little part of me is getting more and more distracting… every time i dont distract my self away from it i begin to think about it. well thats it from this post