I’m not sure what to think.

i suppose everyone had something like this in their lives, this is still new to me never the less.

but to cut to the chase i lost a friend recently. because of a mistake i made with out thinking it. to be accurate right now im having mixed feelings about the situation as a whole. part of me misses her and other part of me thinks that this might be better. ill try to explain both parts in more extent.

i suppose why and how are too sensitive to explain in detail over here. so all i can basicly tell is how i feel now and how i feel about her now.

ive known her for close to three years now and past two years we were friends. being her friend wasnt allways easy mostly because of her fiery spirit. she has had her share of troubles and ive tried to help her over them as best i can quite often with cost of keeping my own troubles to my self. but the reasons why i miss her that is probably because ive been a friend with her for a long time.  i miss her passion on thing even thou it might seem and propably is sometimes more than little extreme. there was something delightful about seeing her rush toward something with little or big. with recklessness and passion to beat the problem no matter the odds against her. unfortunately i quess im the only one that sees her more friendly side but even that only shows when she’s not troubled or nothings wrong. which isnt all that often unfortunately. to think of it part of me might have loved her but im not so sure about that, if it was so i also know that no matter what i wouldve done or will do i cant have her  in any level. since even a friendship with her feels like a struggle i need to prove my self or do everything with extreme care. as one can imagine its very tiring after a while and my own problems piling up dont exactly help with that.  im not sure how to say this but i miss her and ive tried my best to help her and get her to be atleast little happier.

of course this has lead to me being constantly tired, apathetic, indifferent and something else im not sure about. i do love her in my own strange way that i propably wont be able to ever to tell her, since i know that she wont respond to it nor i can ever have her in that sense.

as a friend she was a good one thou not many might agree with that but i dont think i could really explain it all. mainly because of other see her crazy, hostile, manipulative and sometimes just plain evil.  i dont know maybe ive known her bit differently than most do.  but most i can tell about what caused the destruction of our friendship. i said something  that she didnt want others to know to a person that she was talking to whom thought it was somekind of joke and sent it to her and the end result was her anger hit me like a blastwave of a nuclear bomb. i was pissed to her because of that two days after that because i felt like she was pissed at me with out a proper reason. but now i sort of understand how she must have felt when that happened. thou i doupt ill ever be able to understand full extent of it but even a fraction of that is more than enaugh for me to lose sleep over this. as one could read from my previous blogs im not very socially adept person so that has caused me to have only few friends most of them long term ones but ive yet to lose a friend. right now only things i can focus on is distracting my self away from it, thinking it and how much it hurts. ive lost what little capability i had to work, to think, to function even normally. othar than distracting my self away from this.

now to the part that why i think this might be a good thing. i know this wont be anything well reasoned all i know i could just be deluding my self away from it. but as mentioned earlier being her friend is hard, not as in maybe few small things here and there. i mean serious things depression, misery, feeling of abandonment and way she’s hated.  ive tried to help her as best i could but i never really was good enaugh in that. so its propably better that she would find some better person that can take care of her better. than i ever could in the entire history of our friendship.

now heres the kicker for you unlike she believed that ive dont really have any emotions or any real emotional reactions toward anyone or anything. i do have the emitions but i keep the buried so far down that i dont have to deal with them because there are so many things in my past that i never really recovered from. so i put up a shell for myself and for the others. well this blog is about as honest i can get with out going into too much detail. but if she ever reads this i hope she will atleast forgive me my stupidity, arrogance and weakness. she doesnt need or have to be my friend, mate, or buddy ever again.

thats all for now.

Tags: friends, girl, life, love, misery, pain, past, sadness