allrighty then

its been a while from last good rant post .

so to warm up lets list the topics.

- Blossom Goodchild and “FoL”
- Economic collaps of US
- state of amateur art sites
Ah before i start i better warn you im not generally fond of people much less american ones. Dickheads cause me a headache, arrogant people make me nauseous and general ignorance/stupidity just makes me want to hit them. i hold this negative point of view since then i atleast have a chance of being suprised positivily rather than being disappointed repeatedly.

Blossom Goodchild and “FoL or Federation of Light“

Personally ive allways found UFO phenomena curious but this Goodchild thing that ive been watching to build up since june has effectivily peaked my curiosity. initially i thought she was nothing more than hippie nutter with too much time in her hand. but now past month she’s caused more than little murmur in the Ufo crowd in youtube and other places i lurk in.  but ive allways been skeptical about UFO’s since if theres an alien species i imagine theyd do something more than float around ominously and disappear. since if there were just to study humans i imagine taking samples or figuring out more secure way of observing might be better than floating around on plain sight.  but back to topic about that theres this upcoming event coming well today 14th of october (atleast on my time zone) that rather large UFO will appear above a place called Alabama on southern hemisphere. which has been suggested mostly by americans (such a friendly dumb-asses think that US is the center of universe) or place called Alabama hill in southern hemisphere suggested by Goodchild on her 12th of october radio appearence. but i wonder what will happen to those people do if nothing happens today? no UFO no “ship of great-size will appear on southern hemisphere we name ALABAMA” i doupt it will happen ill be suprised if it does happen well then atleast. i think the ones that follow her with such blind faith will be disappointed and those that still follow her after wards. i kinda suspect they must be deluded to some lenght.

Economic collaps of US

such a cheery topic dont you think? only thing i dont get about this collapse its been going on for years and the US goverment just has poked more holes in the bucket and sped it up why? because of profiteering and continuing pointless war against an enemy they dont even have an idea where they are. i dont even think they want to find them, well thats beside the point only thing i dont get unless the US politicians are as dense as they look they shouldve seen that coming far away i mean every other foreign economist were shouting FAUL loong before the damage became irreversible. thou i hope that this collapse doesnt have any significant effect to economy where i live atleast not as bad as the one back in the early 90’s.

state of amateur art sites

ah this is one of my most favorite rant topics since i do frequent few of those sites. anyway most im annoyed by the fact that every site i go to the staff of the site cant be bothered to do anything to fix something with in reasonable time scale much less inform users of those schedules before decided to pull the plug on the server and fiddle around the insides. not to mention better maintanence over the galleries they hold since ive stopped browsing those galleries since everytime i go i see atleast 4 miss categorizations 2 screenshots from some game and .5 thefts.

general stupidity of people & another relationship rant
ill post those later today.

I’m not sure what to think.

i suppose everyone had something like this in their lives, this is still new to me never the less.

but to cut to the chase i lost a friend recently. because of a mistake i made with out thinking it. to be accurate right now im having mixed feelings about the situation as a whole. part of me misses her and other part of me thinks that this might be better. ill try to explain both parts in more extent.

i suppose why and how are too sensitive to explain in detail over here. so all i can basicly tell is how i feel now and how i feel about her now.

ive known her for close to three years now and past two years we were friends. being her friend wasnt allways easy mostly because of her fiery spirit. she has had her share of troubles and ive tried to help her over them as best i can quite often with cost of keeping my own troubles to my self. but the reasons why i miss her that is probably because ive been a friend with her for a long time.  i miss her passion on thing even thou it might seem and propably is sometimes more than little extreme. there was something delightful about seeing her rush toward something with little or big. with recklessness and passion to beat the problem no matter the odds against her. unfortunately i quess im the only one that sees her more friendly side but even that only shows when she’s not troubled or nothings wrong. which isnt all that often unfortunately. to think of it part of me might have loved her but im not so sure about that, if it was so i also know that no matter what i wouldve done or will do i cant have her  in any level. since even a friendship with her feels like a struggle i need to prove my self or do everything with extreme care. as one can imagine its very tiring after a while and my own problems piling up dont exactly help with that.  im not sure how to say this but i miss her and ive tried my best to help her and get her to be atleast little happier.

of course this has lead to me being constantly tired, apathetic, indifferent and something else im not sure about. i do love her in my own strange way that i propably wont be able to ever to tell her, since i know that she wont respond to it nor i can ever have her in that sense.

as a friend she was a good one thou not many might agree with that but i dont think i could really explain it all. mainly because of other see her crazy, hostile, manipulative and sometimes just plain evil.  i dont know maybe ive known her bit differently than most do.  but most i can tell about what caused the destruction of our friendship. i said something  that she didnt want others to know to a person that she was talking to whom thought it was somekind of joke and sent it to her and the end result was her anger hit me like a blastwave of a nuclear bomb. i was pissed to her because of that two days after that because i felt like she was pissed at me with out a proper reason. but now i sort of understand how she must have felt when that happened. thou i doupt ill ever be able to understand full extent of it but even a fraction of that is more than enaugh for me to lose sleep over this. as one could read from my previous blogs im not very socially adept person so that has caused me to have only few friends most of them long term ones but ive yet to lose a friend. right now only things i can focus on is distracting my self away from it, thinking it and how much it hurts. ive lost what little capability i had to work, to think, to function even normally. othar than distracting my self away from this.

now to the part that why i think this might be a good thing. i know this wont be anything well reasoned all i know i could just be deluding my self away from it. but as mentioned earlier being her friend is hard, not as in maybe few small things here and there. i mean serious things depression, misery, feeling of abandonment and way she’s hated.  ive tried to help her as best i could but i never really was good enaugh in that. so its propably better that she would find some better person that can take care of her better. than i ever could in the entire history of our friendship.

now heres the kicker for you unlike she believed that ive dont really have any emotions or any real emotional reactions toward anyone or anything. i do have the emitions but i keep the buried so far down that i dont have to deal with them because there are so many things in my past that i never really recovered from. so i put up a shell for myself and for the others. well this blog is about as honest i can get with out going into too much detail. but if she ever reads this i hope she will atleast forgive me my stupidity, arrogance and weakness. she doesnt need or have to be my friend, mate, or buddy ever again.

thats all for now.

Rantage MK. II

beginning of a such a nice week turned into shit rather quickly with a lovely load of metaphorical steaming hot shit being dumbed in front of me. where to begin… i might as well start from monday.

Monday. (cursed be this awful day)

well everything starts as usual for every monday i have wake up early, i am suprised that my alarm clock has endured all these years of physical abuse which i smash every school day with a table shaking hit of a groggy fist and im not a morning person a pleasant one atleast. after noticin i forgot to buy bread on last couple of days my breakfest begins with rather audible “FUCK” since all i got in the fridge during that time is ketchup, mustard, some cooking oil, fifth of a cheese and half of a pack of margarin. so my days starts with only mug of instant cappucino after the cappucino is done i rapidly move in front of my computer turn it on, check the news RSS feeds and my email sit there drinking cappucino untill i consider my self awake enaugh. i get dressed pack my backbag and go to school 6 hours of mind numbing lectures later with two coffee breaks and a lunch behind me as im about to leave my teach asks me why i havent returned a report that was due last week. conversation went like this
teacher: could you come over here
me: yea sure what is it?
T: where is the report that was due week ago?
M: report? what report?
T: the report that your class was give assingment around late march?
M:… you mean when i wasnt in the class because i couldnt walk for a week? (that was because of busted ankle i had during that time)
T: *he checks the student list and notices i wasnt in that weeks class” seems like it.
M: i can try to do it for the next week
T: ok then im expecting it on my cubby end of the next week.

well to mention i wasnt happy about that little assingment being forgotten due to my classmates failing to tell me that we had to do it. especially since the teacher is so techonologically limited that he refuses to update his classes information which includes with every other teacher current assingments, due times and files that are meant to help with that subject or current assingment. so im stuck making the report which i got done on wednesday morning during a coffee break. (yes i have to work it in school during off hour and breaks because i cant access the school librarys ebook database from home) i got back home and again noticed that im missing the bread and everything else along with that i had recieved a bill from my ISP. well rest of the day went off rather comfortably so theres nothing to rant about it so ill move on to tuesday

Tuesday

i was supposed to go to Tax office in hour and half train ride away only because of arbitrary reason of me not being registered to my current munincipality that i live in, well i couldnt because today was physics laboratory and well the test equipment other things refused to function way they were meant to. so im bit cranky at that point since i had to spend two extra hours in there to getting everything right and douple checking it. so after i finally got back home all i felt like doing was collapse on my bed and work on some 3d model to unwind which wasnt really helped by my friends either distracting me or wanting me to join them to play some MMO game… i consider my self as a casual MMO player so i play when i feel like playing other wise it will feel like working rather than relaxing. well at this point of the week i realize that because im a student and dont really have much of an income my monthly money supply is running low and making it worse is that theres the upcoming May day holiday. so ill call my parents ask if they could sponsor me enaugh that i can last till friday they agreed.

Wednesday

well to begin this lovely day is my Mom calling way too early earlier than i usually wake up which is around 8 at wednesdays and she’s calling at 6. with only few hours of sleep behind me im bit antsy she tells me to come to wait at the parking lot since she’ll drop off some money for me as she’s going to work (not an office job nor any other stereo typical job… in that situation one of my thoughts were “does she have to be a construction worker?) well after getting the money i went back inside tried to sleep rest of the time and noticing i couldnt get any sleep. so i went ahead took a shower and made breakfest decided to play bit of The elder scrolls IV oblivion yea i know it sucks as an RPG that doesnt mean that its still a good game to kill time with. went to school experienced another series of mind numbing lectures. got back well today was with rather nice middle atleast untill the evening and following night. i managed to alienate one of my dearest friends with argument thats rudeness and inappropriate nature i managed completely fail to notice or comprehend… so now im screwed beyond belief since i didnt realize how badly i fucked up untill today. isit just me but i tend to suck with people badly… i imagine this screw up might have been avoided if i were better with people and social skills.

thursday

the may day well that day was ruined effectively by my realizing only the portion of how screwed i was not to mention being bored out of my mind because my friend wouldnt talk to me. well during that boredom i atleast got some work done.

Friday

thats today i finally got to tax office and figure things out in that regard. so today i wasnt in school because it was day off. so i spent most of today morning and afternoon in train or in the tax office, which isnt really something i enjoy due to excessive amount of people. i got back from there got my self bored again and well later this evening figured out the full extent of how screwed i am in the situation with that friend.

well thats it from the crappyness of this week.

Karma is a bitch and she hates me.

ok for start of i dont believe in karma but i do believe in murphys law. last three weeks could easily be classified in bad as hell category. two weeks ago i sprained my ankle relativily badly and got my ankle wrapped in support wrap that was meant to hold it still and i was on crutches for a week and well i quess my ankles ligaments got beaten up since it still cant completely tolerate sudden impacts with out sharp pain.

so this series if followed by a brief argument between my friends about most insignificant thing like graphics card drivers… well after a while of that they asked me and i felt like the question was like “so whos side are you going to pick?” which was a difficult choice to make. apparently mr. murphy has sense of duty after all since my net connection went down, that happens every once in a while because of bad wiring in the building i live usually it is annoying as hell but now the timing was more than convinient. so that allowed me to avoid the whole mess and let things cool down till the next day. well it eventually turned out that every one had just one crappy day and wound up taking it out on each other.

well after that was done the rest of the week worked out just fine till easter… which completely screwed me over financially since i wasnt able to get any money untill the next week and rest of my family was on a yearly vacation way up northern lappi… so i had to use some of my travel money for school to get food for the easter… yea i really suck that bad with holidays i can never remember them. so because of that i couldnt go to school via bus or train because of the lack of money on the first day after easter.

this was well if you count being late and other inconvinient things that happened was other wise fine… except the creeping feeling that i had in last december. loneliness i keep thinking about it more and more that i need someone to talk to other than my friends someone that actually understands state of my existance on more than one level… ok to simplify it… theres part of me that wants a girlfriend while the other part which is the majority doesnt know why, nor how to even to begin to start that task? that little part of me is getting more and more distracting… every time i dont distract my self away from it i begin to think about it. well thats it from this post

if cant beat the system….

…destroy it and replace it with better one.

ok i never been one that much cared about local politics but even when i do participate in it the small way i can the goverment that gets elected has a tendency to screw things up badly. but i don’t think that any country has so called perfect government. I’m mainly talking from my stand point the little i watch European and Finnish political events along with US ones. i keep seeing one pattern in there no matter how democratic the society proclaims to be it never is even close to what its supposed to be there are always the few that either fight their opinion trough with out any regard to anything but personal power *cough* Bush’s government*cough* well i think that is enough at-least to prevent nut-jobs flooding my blog. so back to Finnish government which its few years have been riddled with increasing amount of stupidity which includes copyright laws that were lobbied by record companies and RIIA’s European pets (they were screwed up beyond belief before it was withdrawn and redrafted).

second the screwing students possibility for studying (suprisingly same Representative Tanja Karpela aka Lex karpela that was mostly responsible from the copyright law mess was behind this one too). she wanted to increase students monthly earning limitation by from its current 1550€ while at the same time cutting student support to nominal from its current state which to say is limited at best. that student support money is meant to enable students full day studying with out or with little loans at its current state which has been since the 1991 (when students voluntarily cut over 50% of it because of the economys depression at the time) so currently student support holds at best 760€ per month and Finnish poverty line is 780€ per month and by European one 800€ per month. well student protested against that idea whole-heartedly and requested 15% increase to the student support from its current which didn’t pass (even with over 25 000 collected names for it) so students have to wait a while to re-try it.

third well that’s pretty much general stupidity involving censoring of the Internet which now i have to admit shamefully is done via act of secret list of child porn sites which do only have few tens of suspected childporn sites and one actual one rest 1500+ sites are just collateral damage. mainly due they block the domain rather than the individual sites the censorship is done by finnish polices section called KRP.,keskus rikos poliisi, or central criminal police in english. personally censoring of anykind shouldnt be tolerated since whos to say if that becomes undercontroll of one that doesnt have as pure motives as orginally intended in which case we wind up in similar situation with China.

well back to forms of goverment and other things i dont particularly like democracy other than the concept but the problem in that system are people them selves since not everyone is at same intellectual or ideological level?

dictatorship can work if the leader is benevolent and manages to avoid corruption and uses his/her power via peacefull means not via force

anarchy well that isnt going to happen since people even if the central goverment would be destroyed would form different kinds of collectives whetever to be democratic, dictatorships or something else. that i think only happens because humans are social animals we think like dumb monkeys we are that groups have strenght which most cases is true.

collective well that is just impossible since people arent just that empathic toward each other and well even in such scenario individual becomes eventually unimportant part of the machinery that is replacable at anytime thus making any ideal of individuality pointless. so this wont happen untill someone can figure our either technologically or naturally done empathy and sharing of thoughts on equal ground.

i might post something on similar topics at later date. as for the dictator ship thing i dont exactly support it since it most likely wouldnt work unless it would have series of incredibly lucky coincidences and is also prone to bad leaders and egomaniacs in charge … well kinda like democracy is in which majority of the problems come because the goverment is detatched or too involved in peoples lives. something like small group of people would be able to make decisions that only effect their local area with little or no interference from the goverment. albeit again with this system is one inate problem people arent smart in groups, individuals are smart groups people are dumb, panicky foolish pack of animals.

Rantage, flaws , insecurities

please take this one as a random rant from an comptely insane person that has limited social skills at best.

OK i consider my self relatively intelligent individual, I’m sceptical, inquisitive, even thou ive been called nuts people usually tend to consider me smart. you could say I’m way too quiet for my own good although that comes from two variables in my head first why should i bother second i haven’t figured out why. every person has their insecurities about somethings well mine are more involved in the relationships i never been particularly into interpersonal relationships such as friendships, co-workers nor thing that could be called “romantic” relationship. recently I’ve been bugged with situations i wanted to do something like ask someone out to a coffee but that’s where the second variable kicks in and shuts me up before i can say anything. i know its not the self confidence i got more than enough to voice my opinions and ideas yet i cant seem to be able to talk to opposite sex out of my own volition at-least the kind i might be interested.
im 20 year old IT-student not particularly bad looking nor particularly good looking either but yet I’m on a level of an 6th grader when it comes to opposite sex and talking to them other than few passing words while you are doing something else, seriously how many people of my age have kissed, had sex, had at-least some form of relationship with an opposite sex beyond a friendship. hell even that friendship concept with an opposite sex is a bloody new concept to me. OK if you still didn’t get the clue of how approachable i am well imagine Dr. Gregory House, Data from star trek and Garret From the good old thief games and from that you can deduce that I’m not particularly people friendly, curious, sneaky and devious if necessary… OK now i sound like a bloody sociopath that would be how i come across after people get to know me i would be classified as a nice guy maybe little too nice for his own good.

so im a bloody geek while most people were indulging in fun of interpersonal relationships in their little own screwed up way. i was either studying or playing games on my PC. why I’m not a hermit yet? i like people even if i don’t seem like it i find them fascinating once i get to know one individual problem is i find people i consider difficult to read (being not particularly predictable in their reactions or ways they behave) which are usually odd ones out from their groups either by their thinking or by their behaviour im fascinated by those individuals.

people that have tendency to go along with the group and be quiet about their own opinions or thoughts about what they are doing i find persistently annoying or futile. since people that bother to think on their own instead of going along with the group i tend to find less annoying or pleasant even with their quirks. so the point im dragging my self toward to very avoidingly that I’m practically going to other way is and i think possibly could be distilled into few prompt and random questions. i know its bloody insane to ask advice from the Internet but i don’t really have friends that have good experiences about such matters.

how to approach a girl with out making yourself look like an complete idiot?

if she says yes or no what should i do then?

what would be appropriate for scenario that if she says yes. coffee or similar?

should i give her my email or phone number in the end of that coffee?

is there anything that might have missed?

as for the last words lets say i got no experience what so ever of that type of situations… also that im not really comfortable asking those from my family since i suspect they might be more than eager to help… OK that didnt make sense why i don’t want to ask my family about this let me simplify, my family doesn’t really know my taste and i doubt id enjoy blind dates of any kind which i suspect that my family might be more than eager to try and arrange.

Dreams, hallusinations and illusions

I tend to remember alot of dreams majority of them dont make sense even in clinical nor in emotional way so i tend to ignore them for the most part or write them down. Mainly due to i don’t think anything else to do with them since they seem to be too stubborn to let me alone unless i do something to them one way or the other. sometimes i receive sort of inspiration or a idea from something  i remember from a dream which does make them more interesting to keep track of.  so i wonder how do other people react and do with the dreams they have in night and i mean all of them nightmares, fantasies, abstractions and just plain wierd ones.

so what what do you do with your dreams? do you record them in some manner? attempt to control them? or just shrug them off? ok those who think can make heads or tails of my dreams i give you an example even thou i just think they are only because of the visual and conceptual value is the biggest part of them.

imagine this in your head as you are reading it:
” hall or building so vast that you cant see its walls or roof  just the obsidian floor and the shelves around. examine the shelves more closely notice the books are made of page like sheets of glass that light in the building gives them eerie bluish glow. take one of them out of the shelf examine what it says its just a date and rest is scrambled doesn’t say anything just random letters and numbers void of meaning. you hear steps behind you turn around and see a woman in a black cloak and the shadow of the hood hides her face. you can see only her face from below the nose which is covered in white make up except for her upper lip and small striped middle of her lower lip which are completely black. everything freezes to that moment and slowly fades to darkness” yea beat that that’s somewhat usually from my dreams personally i find the imagined visual quite beautiful really but i have had always a strange taste in things.

well that’s it from today’s weirdness i hope that i get on a rant mood at some point since i enjoy writing and thinking about rants of a single topic

Introduction and beginning of the insanity :)

hello!

i made this blog so i can rant, rave, ramble so about topics i find annoying or otherwise interesting and keep them organized to a degree atleast since half of the time i cant keep things organized in my head longer than few hours. so i might go from every day things to such obscure matters that only me seem to get at first thus the term Madman… most people i’ve encountered usually call me nuts or crazy when i don’t actively censor my self discounting few exceptions. of course contributing factor to realization that others think I’m crazy is my peculiar habit of talking to my self to keep my thoughts straight in my head.  just as a bit of a warning some of my views may seem extreme or just plain nuts but i try to keep my way of introducing those ideas inside the TOS of the WordPress.com i don’t mind if some might disagree with them if you do please do leave a comment since ill be happy to hear your point of view of it and if you just want to curse and call me well what ever stupid thing that comes out of those two atrophied braincells in your head but if you want to insult me try to at least give some thought to those. thats for my intro except insanity of an random degree in the future